A Bit Dusty

Hm, this blog is a little bit dusty... I haven't updated in a while because a lot has been happening.

Since the beginning of September, I have been eating--and living--healthier. It's been amazing. I have lost 17 pounds so far, and I feel wonderful! I ask the Mother and Father to give me the strength to eat what I should, and less of what I shouldn't, and they do.

School got very intense, very fast. I may only be taking three courses, but the amount of work is equal to four and a half courses. I'm managing to keep afloat.

Work continues, as monotonous as ever. I had an interview for a hostess position, but I don't know what the result is.

I'm still attending church with my mom. She started reading a couple prayers I had written in a notebook when she was helping me find a textbook I had misplaced, and I was terrified! Then she asked me if I was working on another story, and did I really have time to do that? And why was I writing about stuff like that? I just sort of shrugged off her questions, but it hurt. Stuff like that is what I believe, it's part of who I am. Her intolerance makes me feel ashamed of who I am, and defiant at the same time.
I just don't even know what to feel.

Plans to move out have been put on hold until we are better situated, financially.

I'm still reading as much as I can about my faith, still praying, fitting in magickal work when I can. I just can't wait to get a little freedom.

(but I'm really excited about losing so much weight, and being so much healthier!)

Return to Privacy

I made it through my week visiting my grandparents. I did not have to give thanks for any of the meals. (Not out loud, anyway. While they thanked the Christian God I sent out my own thanks in my own directions.) True to form, everything that happens there is almost always verbally related to God or faith.

My little cousins were talking about how one of their older friends just got a boyfriend, and that he was probably ok because they met as counselors at Bible Camp. Or that it was scandalous that another of their friends was going out with someone who was Catholic (because Catholics don't mix super well with Protestants). Or how someone else was trying to witness to the guy she liked because it's not right to be with someone who isn't a Christian.

My boyfriend isn't really anything, as far as religion goes. I'm expected to try to convert him if I want things to be serious. Things are becoming serious whether I let on to my family or not, but I feel that as long as he respects my beliefs, there shouldn't be a problem. I don't want to be talked about because I'm not dating a Christian, to know that people--my family--whisper about me because I might be living in sin. That's what it's called when unmarried couples live together; living in sin. We don't live together yet, but we're working on finding an apartment.

I'm used to being "the good girl". I almost never got into trouble when I was little, I didn't do wild or crazy things as a teen, and I'm only now discovering parts of myself that I almost didn't know existed. I don't even know what I'm trying to say with this, I just know that I desperately want to be accepted.

And that I know my family will never accept me.


I try to end on a positive though, so... ...I get to sleep in my own bed tonight, with my cat (who, I am sure, will curl up on my face).

The Magick of Oceans

I love the beach. It's an amazing feeling to stand in the water and feel the slither of sand under my feet and the pull of the waves. I feel so much closer to Goddess and God when near an ocean.
The sky meets the water, the water meets the land, everything is always in motion; always changing.

Sunday's beach trip was exactly the refreshment my soul was craving. Saturday's events went well, the beach was just about perfect, and Monday marked a friend's birthday. My weekend was action-packed!

Basically I was storing up positive, freeing energy- my family and I are going to my grandparents' house for their anniversary. Almost my whole extended family will be there. I love my cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents, but this will be the first family get-together since I found my path. I can't bring my books or tools because there's almost no such thing as privacy there and it's a super-Christian environment. I have to figure out how to give thanks for a meal without outright lying. (This would be the least opportune time to come out of the broom closet...)

Wish me luck!
Blessed Be!

Stress and Negativity

We are having window shades installed, and so the house had to be cleaned. My mom is the type to stress about everything a great deal more than she should. When she stresses, it affects the whole house. The atmosphere is clogged with tension. I don't know if my dad or brothers notice, but it's making me almost physically ill.

The man installing the shades should be here any minute. I desperately need to walk off this feeling, but I'm not supposed to go anywhere right now. I need to at least go outside and ground.

On the bright side, my room is a great deal cleaner than it has been in a while.


(Also, mom found a receipt from a bookstore where I bought a couple fiction books and a wiccan book. Fortunately, it was so faded she couldn't read it...)

Mixed Topics

This short little post will have a few different topics, I feel a little spazzy . . .

1. I feel better tonight, more rested. I took a walk yesterday, a beautifully scented breeze was blowing, I listened to a chapter in the audiobook I'm working through, and I have been drinking a great deal of water.

2. I have been following and participating in the voting over at Circle of Moms. They're looking for the top 25 blogs by moms of faith. I was saddened to see the attacks on Pagans. I was more saddened to go read one of the posts that quoted the bible, knowing that my mom would have very similar views on the subject.

3. I like to end on a positive note. Despite having to get up very early this morning and work for a very long time, I had a wonderful day. Boyfriend came and picked me up, we walked around the mall for a bit, I found two shirts for a total of $9, got a rather large book of home remedies (as I am very interested in alternative medicine), we looked at and talked about engagement rings as if they were a possibility sometime in the maybe near future (*eeee!!*), then met up with JK and LittleJon for dinner.

Rain and gratitude

It's been raining here for about 5 days straight. I love it. I love the cleansing feeling of walking in the rain.

This post isn't really about the rain, though. I felt the need to take a moment to be thankful. I post a lot about how hard it is to keep such a huge part of me secret. I should stop for a bit and be glad that I do have a few friends who know about my faith, and are fine with it. When I'm with them, I'm just me.

There are five people that I have told: Boyfriend, a friend on a shamanic path, a close friend whose girlfriend is wiccan (call him J.K.), another close friend (LittleJon) , and an open-minded coworker (ML). Being around them, talking with them, it's like the rain; it washes away some of the anxiety, stress, and fear. I thank Goddess and God for my friends.


In other news, I'm working towards getting my license! It's the first step in the process of moving out. Second step: finish my associate's degree. Third step: save up money. Fourth step: get a car. Fifth step: move out.
1)I'm a pretty good driver, I just hate changing lanes and merging!
2)I'm about 5 or 6 classes away from my associate's.
3)I need to work on finding a better job, or a second job.
4)I might have a car lined up already.
5)Boyfriend and J.K. are working on getting an apartment together by the end of the year. I'm planning on moving in with them.

Holidays

    Easter went rather uneventfully, went to the service with my family. Listened to the pastor talk about salvation. Went home, had a wonderful meal, and then dyed eggs.

    Beltane snuck up on me, I completely forgot about it until the day before! I walked to the local witchy shop to stock up on mini spell candles (because they're small, easy to store, and inexpensive). The owner and I started talking, and out of nowhere she said "I don't know why I am telling this to you, I just feel like I
should . . . We are having a Beltane ritual here tomorrow morning, and I would love for you to come!" I told her I would come if I could, bought my candles and started the walk home.

    I wasn't sure if I would go. On the one hand, I had never been to a ritual with other people, and this would be a new and exciting opportunity. On the other hand, they would be doing it out on the front lawn and if someone I knew drove by and saw, I might be outed whether I wanted to be or not.

    I decided to go. It was a good decision, there were about 8 or so other women there, we all built up the circle, we raised energy and put out thanks and requests, Cakes and Ale, and we danced around our maypole tree.
When I got home I held a very small ritual for myself because as good an experience as it was to be with other wiccans, I truly prefer to worship in private. I'm glad I went, though.

    Last but not least, tonight I held my first esbat. Very simple, very small. Mostly just feeling and drawing in the goddess-energies.


    School and work have been taking up a lot of time, so I've been trying to make sure to take a walk at least once a week.

Secret Witchy Things

I wanted to talk to someone about tools and supplies. I know they aren't necessary, but I like having candles, Blessed water, my wand, etc. The problem with this is that I can't keep my alter set up all the time, I can't just have a nice little jar labeled "Blessed Water", and my candles are of the Yankee varieties. 

My alter is very simple, just a white candle, and two shells- one for the Goddess, one for the God. Very simple, but with personal meaning. I don't live near an ocean, I hardly ever get to visit one, but when I do . . . it's truly a spiritual, magical experience for me. So shells feel appropriate to me.

My Blessed water is kept in a prescription medication bottle (cleaned, physically and magickally). I think all my candles are some scent or other that I liked from Yankee Candles but hadn't gotten around to burning yet. I checked at my local witch nook, though, and they have little candles. They're bigger than birthday cake candles, but much smaller than votive candles. I think I need to pick some of those up.

Fortunately, my family is ok with me using herbal remedies, so I at least don't have to hide my herbs, or my mortar and pestle. I do keep them all in my room, though. Imagine having to sneak downstairs at midnight because you forgot the sage or something!

I have a pentacle necklace I made out of some purple string and a ring from a keychain. When my mom saw it she said that yes, it was very nice, but that I would have to be careful or someone might think I was wearing it because I was a witch or something . . . Yup, that'd be just awful.

I know I complain about this, and I know I'm fortunate to live somewhere safe. I am very blessed. I need to remind myself of that.


In other news, plans are in the works to move out! Not anytime soon, really .  I will probably have to finish my degree first (just community college so far). I have two semesters to go. If I could get an apartment with my friends, I could practice much more openly .  So- save up, move out!

Palm Sunday

I went to the Palm Sunday service with my family yesterday .  At one point, I looked over at my mom to see her so filled with emotion that she had tears in her eyes. I was moved, myself, to see how her spirit was being lifted. She will not feel that way about me. She will not know what I feel during an esbat, or even a walk in the rain. The world is my church, the wind, the rain, the birds are my music, and all of nature is a message.

My mom takes notes during the message at church to help her better understand her chosen faith. I respect that immensely .  If she found one of the books I am reading to help me understand more about my chosen faith, she would be filled with disappointment.

I'm slowly starting my journey out of these cloying walls of secrecy .  I've told three close friends (one of whom is also Pagan- he was the first I told), my boyfriend, and a curious coworker. It's scary, but it feels good knowing that there are people who care about me, and who accept me.

Introductory Post

Hello blogworld, let me introduce myself:
My name is Gwen. I'm a college student, an employee, an avid yet eclectic reader, a nerd, a cat lover, a girlfriend, a daughter, a sister. . .
and I am a wiccan.

I started this blog out of a need to write-to communicate somehow-when I am frustrated, especially at not being able to tell some of the most important people in my life about some of the most important aspects of my life.

I was raised in a loving, close-knit Christian home. I still live at home. Let's face it, it's cheap, convenient most of the time, and like I said, my family is close. The only problem with this is that I have to either not practice my religion, or lie to my parents. Now, because lying hurts the people I lie to "An' it harm none, do what ye will" pretty much means I have to not lie. So does "Thou shalt not bear false witness" (don't lie). Either way, I can't seem to win. My religion says don't lie, but it would be lying to keep telling my parents that I believe in God the same way they do.

I know that what I should do is just come right out and tell them, but as long as I'm talking about not lying. . . I'm scared to do that. I love my parents very much and I am honestly afraid that they will disown me or kick me out when they find out that their little girl is wiccan.