25!!

My goal was to be healthier, and lose at least 25lbs by Christmas.

Well, being healthy will be an ongoing goal, but when I stepped on the scale this morning... I've lost 25 pounds!!! I can't even describe how excited I am! Thanks be to Goddess and God for patience and strength to get this far.

I'm off to an appointment, but I really wanted to share this joyful news.

Blessed Be!

A Bit Dusty

Hm, this blog is a little bit dusty... I haven't updated in a while because a lot has been happening.

Since the beginning of September, I have been eating--and living--healthier. It's been amazing. I have lost 17 pounds so far, and I feel wonderful! I ask the Mother and Father to give me the strength to eat what I should, and less of what I shouldn't, and they do.

School got very intense, very fast. I may only be taking three courses, but the amount of work is equal to four and a half courses. I'm managing to keep afloat.

Work continues, as monotonous as ever. I had an interview for a hostess position, but I don't know what the result is.

I'm still attending church with my mom. She started reading a couple prayers I had written in a notebook when she was helping me find a textbook I had misplaced, and I was terrified! Then she asked me if I was working on another story, and did I really have time to do that? And why was I writing about stuff like that? I just sort of shrugged off her questions, but it hurt. Stuff like that is what I believe, it's part of who I am. Her intolerance makes me feel ashamed of who I am, and defiant at the same time.
I just don't even know what to feel.

Plans to move out have been put on hold until we are better situated, financially.

I'm still reading as much as I can about my faith, still praying, fitting in magickal work when I can. I just can't wait to get a little freedom.

(but I'm really excited about losing so much weight, and being so much healthier!)

New Starts

The new semester is under way, and my new healthy start is under way as well.

I'm taking two psychology classes and an observation/participation class. There's a lot of interesting material, but a lot of work. I'm trying not to leave it all for the night before it's due, but time management has never been my strongest suit.

I'm also working on on being healthy. I have a habit of snacking when I'm bored, not moderating things that aren't healthy, and in general eating too much. I'm not dieting, just making healthier choices.

Making healthy choices is very important to me. If I'm going to be completely honest, I had a problem a year or so ago with (thankfully small and short) instances of self-harming. It's something that I have moved on from, but I worry that if I look to closely at "dieting", anorexia could become a problem. I will not do that to myself. I don't see myself as overly fat, but I'm not as healthy as I should be.

I've been Healthier (I guess that's what I'll say instead of "on a diet"?) for two weeks. I feel good. Good about what I am eating, what I'm not, and life. Eating less chips and snacks, much more fruits and veggies, and trying to keep up my protein (without burgers and the like). None of this is very magickal, but it is something that I don't talk about much, and needed to be said.

Return to Privacy

I made it through my week visiting my grandparents. I did not have to give thanks for any of the meals. (Not out loud, anyway. While they thanked the Christian God I sent out my own thanks in my own directions.) True to form, everything that happens there is almost always verbally related to God or faith.

My little cousins were talking about how one of their older friends just got a boyfriend, and that he was probably ok because they met as counselors at Bible Camp. Or that it was scandalous that another of their friends was going out with someone who was Catholic (because Catholics don't mix super well with Protestants). Or how someone else was trying to witness to the guy she liked because it's not right to be with someone who isn't a Christian.

My boyfriend isn't really anything, as far as religion goes. I'm expected to try to convert him if I want things to be serious. Things are becoming serious whether I let on to my family or not, but I feel that as long as he respects my beliefs, there shouldn't be a problem. I don't want to be talked about because I'm not dating a Christian, to know that people--my family--whisper about me because I might be living in sin. That's what it's called when unmarried couples live together; living in sin. We don't live together yet, but we're working on finding an apartment.

I'm used to being "the good girl". I almost never got into trouble when I was little, I didn't do wild or crazy things as a teen, and I'm only now discovering parts of myself that I almost didn't know existed. I don't even know what I'm trying to say with this, I just know that I desperately want to be accepted.

And that I know my family will never accept me.


I try to end on a positive though, so... ...I get to sleep in my own bed tonight, with my cat (who, I am sure, will curl up on my face).

The Magick of Oceans

I love the beach. It's an amazing feeling to stand in the water and feel the slither of sand under my feet and the pull of the waves. I feel so much closer to Goddess and God when near an ocean.
The sky meets the water, the water meets the land, everything is always in motion; always changing.

Sunday's beach trip was exactly the refreshment my soul was craving. Saturday's events went well, the beach was just about perfect, and Monday marked a friend's birthday. My weekend was action-packed!

Basically I was storing up positive, freeing energy- my family and I are going to my grandparents' house for their anniversary. Almost my whole extended family will be there. I love my cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents, but this will be the first family get-together since I found my path. I can't bring my books or tools because there's almost no such thing as privacy there and it's a super-Christian environment. I have to figure out how to give thanks for a meal without outright lying. (This would be the least opportune time to come out of the broom closet...)

Wish me luck!
Blessed Be!

Tiny Quick Update

I had a wonderful weekend. Everything went well, and I feel very peaceful. What was I worried about?
Blessings, all!

A Decision Made

I finally came to a decision, and talked it over with the boyfriend. I can count on him to tell me when I'm being crazy or not.
So, tomorrow I will be taking a huge step in my life, almost a rite of passage. It's a relief not to be thinking and worrying about it so much, but thinking about how close Saturday is, it almost doesn't seem real.

The moon will be halfway between New and Full. To me, it feels like a symbol of my journey; like completing a stage of my life. I'm excited and nervous-hopefully it will be magical as well as magickal.

Heavy Thinking

Missed the New Moon. I have a candle and some sage tonight instead. It's the thought that counts?

Anyway, I have a very important consideration going on in my head right now. I have a very personal choice to make, and I need to make sure I'm making it for the right reasons. I'm doing some reading, some serious thinking, and definitely praying about it.

As far as life in general, things have been rather normal. Work, getting ready for the fall semester of school, and learning new things about Wicca. I think people are pretty much students all their lives.

Harry Potter and How I Found Wicca

Or maybe Wicca found me...

With the recent release of the final Harry Potter movie, that seems to be all anyone is talking about. I, too, am a huge fan of this series. I wasn't allowed to read the books or watch the movies when they first came out. When I was about 15, I decided I was old enough and started taking the books out of the library. When my mom found out she was furious.
Mostly because I had gone behind her back, but also because she felt that the books didn't mesh with our beliefs. Magic and witchcraft and all that. They used Latin words in the books, and that's what real witches used to cast spells. I was properly worried back then. Maybe a year later it was still bothering me. So I began reading about "real witches" to see if she was right.

I don't know about you, but I don't know any witches who actually wave their wands and say "Wingardium Leviosa".

Since then I secretly thought that Wicca was kind of cool-- in that "my parents totally don't approve of this at all" sort of way. I didn't actually hit the rebellious teen phase until I was about 19 or 20 though. Through the years, my Christian faith began to feel less and less personal. I was about 21 when I went back to reading about Wicca. I could picture myself as a Solitary. My faith would be mine, it would be personal, there would be no church deciding how I should worship. I read just about everything I could get my hands on, and decided that this was the right path for me.

I've only been on my path for a short time, but it's more real to me than my family's faith had been for a long time.

New Moon

Odd energies are all over the place. I haven't noticed much, but I did spontaneously decide to smudge my room yesterday (not something I do very often as my dad and two brothers can't stand the smell of burning sage). Last night my cat went around the house picking fights with the other two- not normal behavior for her at all!

Living in a not-wiccan-friendly house, I'm trying to find a good way to cleanse that doesn't look witchy, but will get the job done.

Also, I plan on doing my esbat tonight, as I will be working tomorrow night. I guess most people hold Full Moon esbats, but I've always been just as drawn to the New, and it has a certain significance in my life. The significance right now is that it is a good time for rejuvenation. I could use a bit of that right now. My mom had surgery on her abdomen to fix a couple problems, but the sling she was in to hold her at the right angle messed up her shoulders. She hasn't been able to get back in the swing of things, and needs someone to help her a lot. LittleBro isn't the best person for the job, and OlderBro and Dad have to be at work every day. I have very flexible and varying hours at my job, so I'm home a lot. So I help. I get her ice or heating packs ever hour if she needs them. I help her with her meds, her bloodsugar testing, putting the footrest up and down (she's sleeping in the recliner chair in the living room), help her get dressed and undressed, and go to work when I'm scheduled. Very often I sleep on the couch so that I'm nearby if she needs something.

I'm not trying to complain; I love my mom, and I want her to be able to get better, not worse. I just need a little me-time to refresh.

Happy Solstice!

I hope everyone has a Blessed Litha! I'll be at work during the day, so when I take my break, I'll see if I can sit outside to eat. I can't have any candles, but I wrote a little Litha Blessing for my lunch.

Goddess bless these berries bright,
God bless this honey sweet.
Bless this tea I drink,
And this food I eat.

I plan on bringing blueberries and raspberries, making some green ginger tea (with lots of honey!), and a sandwich. I'll sit in the sunshine, the fresh air, and thank my Goddess and God for summer, for guiding me to my path, and yes, for being employed.

Patience, Peace, Serenity

From New Moon to Full I decided to work on having more patience, and finding more time to sit in peace and quiet. Now that the full moon is here, it's time to sit back and see what worked and what didn't.

I've been much more patient with customers at work. More polite, guarding my thoughts more, in general, doing pretty well.

At home, I've definitely been finding more time to focus on me, and on my study of Wicca.

With my visiting grandparents... Well, I've been doing just peachy with my grandmother. My "I was the man of the house at 14, never wasted anything, always have a clean house with all the laundry done" god-complex grandfather? I can say I was never rude to him. To his face, anyway. I will continue to pray that Goddess and God grant me a bit more serenity than I've got.

I like to end with something positive, so:
My mom's recovery from surgery seems to continue going well. She was able to get up and walk a little today! Hopefully she can come home today.

Stress and Negativity

We are having window shades installed, and so the house had to be cleaned. My mom is the type to stress about everything a great deal more than she should. When she stresses, it affects the whole house. The atmosphere is clogged with tension. I don't know if my dad or brothers notice, but it's making me almost physically ill.

The man installing the shades should be here any minute. I desperately need to walk off this feeling, but I'm not supposed to go anywhere right now. I need to at least go outside and ground.

On the bright side, my room is a great deal cleaner than it has been in a while.


(Also, mom found a receipt from a bookstore where I bought a couple fiction books and a wiccan book. Fortunately, it was so faded she couldn't read it...)

Faerie Gifts For Princess Aurora

The coworker who knows I'm wiccan, ML, is expecting her first child in July . She's having a girl, and naming her Aurora . I decided to crochet a pastel plush star, and I added a little magick for protection, health, happiness, peace, friendship, prosperity, wisdom, and restful sleep- with permission, of course. Inside each point of the star is jasmine oil, and in the very middle of the stuffing is a little sachet with 9 herbs (plus a couple extra because the base was a packet of SleepyTime Tea). A few of the herbs I included are; Sage, St. John's Wort, Chamomile, and Eucalyptus.


I made both halves and sewed them most of the way together, then I put the jasmine in each point, stuffed each point, cast a circle, made my intent known, asked the Goddess and God to bless the star, and the baby, and finished assembling the star. I left it on my altar for now.


I'm sure I probably did something wrong, or could have done something better. I think, however, that "It's the thought that counts" really applies here. My intent is for this to bring happiness to little Aurora, and to offer some measure of protection and peace. (and it smells pretty!)

Mixed Topics

This short little post will have a few different topics, I feel a little spazzy . . .

1. I feel better tonight, more rested. I took a walk yesterday, a beautifully scented breeze was blowing, I listened to a chapter in the audiobook I'm working through, and I have been drinking a great deal of water.

2. I have been following and participating in the voting over at Circle of Moms. They're looking for the top 25 blogs by moms of faith. I was saddened to see the attacks on Pagans. I was more saddened to go read one of the posts that quoted the bible, knowing that my mom would have very similar views on the subject.

3. I like to end on a positive note. Despite having to get up very early this morning and work for a very long time, I had a wonderful day. Boyfriend came and picked me up, we walked around the mall for a bit, I found two shirts for a total of $9, got a rather large book of home remedies (as I am very interested in alternative medicine), we looked at and talked about engagement rings as if they were a possibility sometime in the maybe near future (*eeee!!*), then met up with JK and LittleJon for dinner.

Drained

It's still raining on and off. I still love the rain, but everything is getting rather soggy!

Despite getting plenty of sun and taking several walks over the weekend while attending a cousin's commencement ceremony, I feel drained. Tired of routine. I don't want to go to work tomorrow, to be stuck inside all day, doing monotonous tasks for seven hours. I think I've just been going for too long on too little; now I need to recharge.

To end on a positive note, I received almost perfect grades this semester!

Rain and gratitude

It's been raining here for about 5 days straight. I love it. I love the cleansing feeling of walking in the rain.

This post isn't really about the rain, though. I felt the need to take a moment to be thankful. I post a lot about how hard it is to keep such a huge part of me secret. I should stop for a bit and be glad that I do have a few friends who know about my faith, and are fine with it. When I'm with them, I'm just me.

There are five people that I have told: Boyfriend, a friend on a shamanic path, a close friend whose girlfriend is wiccan (call him J.K.), another close friend (LittleJon) , and an open-minded coworker (ML). Being around them, talking with them, it's like the rain; it washes away some of the anxiety, stress, and fear. I thank Goddess and God for my friends.


In other news, I'm working towards getting my license! It's the first step in the process of moving out. Second step: finish my associate's degree. Third step: save up money. Fourth step: get a car. Fifth step: move out.
1)I'm a pretty good driver, I just hate changing lanes and merging!
2)I'm about 5 or 6 classes away from my associate's.
3)I need to work on finding a better job, or a second job.
4)I might have a car lined up already.
5)Boyfriend and J.K. are working on getting an apartment together by the end of the year. I'm planning on moving in with them.

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day Mom, I love you very much, and I hope that someday you will be able to accept who I am.

Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there!

Magick at its finest

(I'm not talking about illusions. "magick" is different from "stage magic") Magick for me is really all about the little things. 

    Yesterday, I lost my wallet. I know exactly when and where. It was not turned in at the lost&found. I was very upset, and stressed because this is right before finals week for me. I really couldn't afford to waste the time searching every corner of my room three times like I did. I really didn't have the time to look all over the house like I did. Twice. So now, not only do I have to go to work and school and do all my homework on time, I have to do it without an ID, or my ATM card, or any of my insurance cards.

    This is where the magick comes in. I was so upset and stressed out, I was about to cry. I silently asked the God and Goddess for tranquility.

My dad stayed calm and helped me go over what I should do about the things that were in my wallet instead of being upset with me (like my mom). He told me not to worry, all the things in my wallet were things that could be replaced. He even said he would buy me a replacement tube of my favorite lipgloss.

My cat started following me around the instant I got home, and was extra cuddly when I sat down at my computer. (she sits across my shoulders while I type)

I made some homemade chai, going through the familiar, soothing motions.

I lit a candle (blue, for calm).

I sipped my tea, saying a little wellness spell in my head. (see below)

None of these things seem big or showy, but they were magickal moments, just the same.

(The witches' almanac I have is a "spell-a-day" one, with a little spell listed under every day. I don't usually take spells from other sources without working to make it my own, but this one called out to me as a tea lover.
Make a cup of your favorite tea, add chamomile or jasmine flowers, and while it is steeping, say: "May this brew bring harmony/ and balance to my life./ May this brew bring wellness, too/ in times of stress and strife." Then as you sip your tea, visualize the energy of the tea filling you with calm. It's nearly impossible to sip tea and stay stressed or angry!)

Holidays

    Easter went rather uneventfully, went to the service with my family. Listened to the pastor talk about salvation. Went home, had a wonderful meal, and then dyed eggs.

    Beltane snuck up on me, I completely forgot about it until the day before! I walked to the local witchy shop to stock up on mini spell candles (because they're small, easy to store, and inexpensive). The owner and I started talking, and out of nowhere she said "I don't know why I am telling this to you, I just feel like I
should . . . We are having a Beltane ritual here tomorrow morning, and I would love for you to come!" I told her I would come if I could, bought my candles and started the walk home.

    I wasn't sure if I would go. On the one hand, I had never been to a ritual with other people, and this would be a new and exciting opportunity. On the other hand, they would be doing it out on the front lawn and if someone I knew drove by and saw, I might be outed whether I wanted to be or not.

    I decided to go. It was a good decision, there were about 8 or so other women there, we all built up the circle, we raised energy and put out thanks and requests, Cakes and Ale, and we danced around our maypole tree.
When I got home I held a very small ritual for myself because as good an experience as it was to be with other wiccans, I truly prefer to worship in private. I'm glad I went, though.

    Last but not least, tonight I held my first esbat. Very simple, very small. Mostly just feeling and drawing in the goddess-energies.


    School and work have been taking up a lot of time, so I've been trying to make sure to take a walk at least once a week.

Good Friday

It's Good Friday, Easter is right around the corner. I guess I'm going to the church service tonight. I'll edit this post later to write about how it went.


The performance was nice, about an hour long, and blessedly quiet. The Sunday services are very very loud, headache inducing affairs. This was dark, quiet, peaceful, and relaxed. It was done as the famous "The Last Supper" painting, with people speaking as the 12 disciples. They told a bit about each disciple (nothing I haven't learned already) and then there was communion. I left before the communion.

I would say the best part was the walk to and from church. Even though it was quite chilly .

Secret Witchy Things

I wanted to talk to someone about tools and supplies. I know they aren't necessary, but I like having candles, Blessed water, my wand, etc. The problem with this is that I can't keep my alter set up all the time, I can't just have a nice little jar labeled "Blessed Water", and my candles are of the Yankee varieties. 

My alter is very simple, just a white candle, and two shells- one for the Goddess, one for the God. Very simple, but with personal meaning. I don't live near an ocean, I hardly ever get to visit one, but when I do . . . it's truly a spiritual, magical experience for me. So shells feel appropriate to me.

My Blessed water is kept in a prescription medication bottle (cleaned, physically and magickally). I think all my candles are some scent or other that I liked from Yankee Candles but hadn't gotten around to burning yet. I checked at my local witch nook, though, and they have little candles. They're bigger than birthday cake candles, but much smaller than votive candles. I think I need to pick some of those up.

Fortunately, my family is ok with me using herbal remedies, so I at least don't have to hide my herbs, or my mortar and pestle. I do keep them all in my room, though. Imagine having to sneak downstairs at midnight because you forgot the sage or something!

I have a pentacle necklace I made out of some purple string and a ring from a keychain. When my mom saw it she said that yes, it was very nice, but that I would have to be careful or someone might think I was wearing it because I was a witch or something . . . Yup, that'd be just awful.

I know I complain about this, and I know I'm fortunate to live somewhere safe. I am very blessed. I need to remind myself of that.


In other news, plans are in the works to move out! Not anytime soon, really .  I will probably have to finish my degree first (just community college so far). I have two semesters to go. If I could get an apartment with my friends, I could practice much more openly .  So- save up, move out!

Palm Sunday

I went to the Palm Sunday service with my family yesterday .  At one point, I looked over at my mom to see her so filled with emotion that she had tears in her eyes. I was moved, myself, to see how her spirit was being lifted. She will not feel that way about me. She will not know what I feel during an esbat, or even a walk in the rain. The world is my church, the wind, the rain, the birds are my music, and all of nature is a message.

My mom takes notes during the message at church to help her better understand her chosen faith. I respect that immensely .  If she found one of the books I am reading to help me understand more about my chosen faith, she would be filled with disappointment.

I'm slowly starting my journey out of these cloying walls of secrecy .  I've told three close friends (one of whom is also Pagan- he was the first I told), my boyfriend, and a curious coworker. It's scary, but it feels good knowing that there are people who care about me, and who accept me.

Introductory Post

Hello blogworld, let me introduce myself:
My name is Gwen. I'm a college student, an employee, an avid yet eclectic reader, a nerd, a cat lover, a girlfriend, a daughter, a sister. . .
and I am a wiccan.

I started this blog out of a need to write-to communicate somehow-when I am frustrated, especially at not being able to tell some of the most important people in my life about some of the most important aspects of my life.

I was raised in a loving, close-knit Christian home. I still live at home. Let's face it, it's cheap, convenient most of the time, and like I said, my family is close. The only problem with this is that I have to either not practice my religion, or lie to my parents. Now, because lying hurts the people I lie to "An' it harm none, do what ye will" pretty much means I have to not lie. So does "Thou shalt not bear false witness" (don't lie). Either way, I can't seem to win. My religion says don't lie, but it would be lying to keep telling my parents that I believe in God the same way they do.

I know that what I should do is just come right out and tell them, but as long as I'm talking about not lying. . . I'm scared to do that. I love my parents very much and I am honestly afraid that they will disown me or kick me out when they find out that their little girl is wiccan.